Book Snobbery

I just finished reading James Patterson's "ZOO".

It's a lil'diddy about the end of the world as we know it...

It kept my attention, I actually said the words "...the fuck?" out loud at one point.  All and all I guess it was a good book.  But, I don't really know how I feel about the ending.  I mean, I get it.  But, I still don't know how I feel about it.  Most of the books I've read lately have sucked me in so much that when I'm finished, I feel empty and alone.  This book left me feeling helpless and hopeless and awaiting my impending demise.

**********STOP READING NOW!**********

**********I AM ABOUT TO COMPLETELY RUIN THE BOOK FOR YOU**********

If you're still reading it's your own damn fault.  Here's a breakdown of the book, for those of you that just want to live vicariously through my reading and not ever have to actually open a book yourself.  Don't blame me if it makes no sense, read the damn book if you want something you can rely on, slackers.  

We open to a college dropout with a blog named Oz.  We'll call him the Wizard.  He was to be a scientist, but, no.  He's obsessed with animals taking over the world and is convinced it is happening, but no one will listen to him.  He's spent all of his money and most of his parents traveling the world checking out "leads".  He also owns a chimpanzee named Attila whom he rescued from a lab when he was a wee lil'baby.  He also have a "girlfriend" who seems more just like a random booty call that dun like teh mon'kay but will babysit him while he goes flying around the world.  

He gets a phone call about large groups of male lions attacking safari groups so, after convincing said girlfriend to feed and water said monkey, he takes off on a plane to peep it out.

Long story short, Attila goes cray cray and kills the booty call and basically wears her skin like a hat and proceeds to fling his crap around the apartment for a week.  

While all that is taking place though, the Wizard goes with another man to find his brother who they lost contact with 2 days ago who owns his own safari shop.  They find the empty safari bus, and well, body parts and lots of blood.  Then, they are accosted by a tribe of lions.  At least 12.  

Now, the catch is that female lions do all the hunting and usually tribes or...whatever only have at most 4 male lions, there were at least 12 that attacked.  Sends flags up all over the muhfucking place for the Wizard of Oz and his friendly companion.  

They try to get away, the other man gets killed, all of which is accidentally taped by the Wizard who ends up getting away by swimming to a small island and waiting off the lions.  

He knows he must get back to civilization  so he decided he's gonna go ahead and just walk back with like, 1 bullet.  But.  Whatevs.  He is almost back when he stumbles upon a chick surrounded by gators. 

 Long story short, he saves her, tells her his story, gets her on board, takes her back to the US to help him get people to listen to her cause she's an actual scientist, end ups knocking her up and marrying her.  

Anyway, No one will listen.  They are all "Fuck you fool, you have a blog."  

Then house pets start attacking their owners. And everyone is all "WTSF?!"

Still , nobody cares.

Streets are overrun with packs of dogs and rats and lions and tigers and bears.  And I'm all...Ooh my!

FIVE YEARS LATER...

Still, no one will listen.  But animal attacks are increasing on the daily.  Especially in domestic pets and their owners.  It finally reaches the president, who by the way is a woman, and yet she still will not listen and try to get the word out since up to this point, err'body is still trying to hide that it's happening.  Until, her teenage daughter is killed by their family dog.  This gets her on board.  Rightly so, of course.

They start having day long meetings trying to figure out what is going on.  No one can figure out WHY it is happening, they have theories but nothing worth following up on.  UNTIL The Wizard follows a dog down into the bowels of NYC and there is a "hive" of them. All jump, jiving and wailing.  So, he realizes it must be a pheromone thing.

Then they figure out they need to turn off every fucking thing.

All the electric, no cell phone towers, no gas, no cars, planes, trains, etc, etc.

The President puts this into effect starting at midnight and it's supposed to last for at least 2 weeks.

IT works. All the animals go back to normal and start going back to where they should be within 12 hours of full world wide shut down.

So, of course, bitches get cocky.

And after 3 days, start letting the rich turn their shit back on.

Within a day or so the animals are attacking again.  

So, they take all the rich people and relocate them to Greenland and leave the other 99% to fend for themselves

--ANNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDD--

End Scene.

And that's the end boys and girls.  I mean, I get it.  I get it.  But, it doesn't mean I have to like it.  

I'd totally pay $9.50 to see the movie though.  Or, like...$1.09 to rent it.